Dating Advice.

This is an old piece. I wrote it for a friend, who asked for a restaurant reccomendation. He had a date coming up with a special lady and wanted a nice place to take her. This is what I wrote him. Not exactly helpful, but it amuses me, at the very least...

Tyler,

I don't eat out very often, because people I don't know offend me. But I thought I might offer up some tips about making the important first impression.

The most important thing you can do on a first date is to establish physical dominance over your female. Males of your species typically do this by rushing at the female, with no warning, sweeping her legs out from under her, and climbing aboard. Then, you will want to hold her down, pinning her hands beside her head and forcing her to look up at you. She might yelp and wiggle to get free, but it's important that you hold her there. Stare into her eyes until she looks away. (Don't blink or get distracted, yourself. If you need to get her attention, bare your teeth to her. Then, she'll know you mean business.) Once she looks away and refuses to re-establish eye contact with you, your dominance is assured.

Before you let her up, stand over her and thrust your groin at her. This lets the other males in the area know that you have claimed her for your own. One more thing, before you leave the apartment, you'll want to hit all of the corners of your apartment with your musk. Odds are that when you go to the bathroom for a final check of your outfit, she will have marked your territory with her feminine odor. That will attract other males. So, you'll want to refresh your own territorial markings. (Be careful hitting corners that your roommate, Garret, considers to be his, too. He may challenge you for them and you won't have time for a proper clash, if you are about to go out for a night on the town. He will judge your leaving with her, to be a sign of weakness. That could mean trouble later, when feeding or dividing up bills.)

Once you head out for your fun evening together, watch your date carefully to see if she tries to make eye contact with other males. This might be her way of indicating that she is fertile and ready for mating. She might disregard you for others in the immediate area. Other indicators to watch for: Frequent and unnecessary arching of her back, Slow, methodical kneading of the carpet, and she will purr and yowl and bare her rump directly at another male. This type of behavior is easy to curb, just strike her about the head and neck, yowl at her with a "fighters call" and release your musk. Often. (You may want to drink a lot of water on the day, before your date.)

If another male appears to notice your female (perhaps by sniffing or licking her rump) you will want to act quickly and decisively. Leap at them, beating your chest rapidly and "Challenging" him with the "fighters call". Don't be afraid to use a tool, if there is one around. Bite the other male about the face and neck and if you think its necessary, rip his throat and genitals out. But only if you think it's necessary. If you do have to kill your rival, cover your face with his blood to mark your victory and eat his heart, to absorb his strength. Odds are your female will be ready for a mounting right then and there, excited by the physical confrontation. Wear a condom.

Later, release your musk. You'll want everyone to know you were there and enjoyed yourself, too!

Follow these tips and your place in the social structure will be solidly in place. The elders will fear you. New arrivals will too. Many females will come to you, requesting that you mate with them as well, desiring your well-established seed. More importantly, you and she will spend a romantic evening together, deepening your bonds of affection for one another.

One more suggestion, Tip Well! She will appreciate your generosity and goodwill towards the working class.

Have fun!
COB out...

PS. I would recommend the desert savanna as a nice place to get a meal. Sure most of the herds of gazelle that you see will outrun you, but occasionally a sick, elderly or maimed one will fall behind and you and your ladylove will enjoy a well-earned meal.

And the thrill of the hunt...